The Bloomington, IL. chapter of BAN is not affiliated with or compensated in promoting any of the recommended resources.


Betrayed Resources
Spouses Needing To Heal From Betrayal.

Many people do not think of infidelity as trauma - at least those that haven't been through it. Infidelity is traumatic, and just like any other trauma survivor, it takes much work to overcome. Sweeping it under the rug and just moving on will most likely keep you stuck in anger - regardless if the marriage survives or dissolves. Walking away from the marriage does not heal the trauma, just as keeping your marriage in tact does not heal the trauma.
One part of the unfairness of infidelity is - through no choice of your own - your world has been shattered. You are left holding the responsibility for healing your pain, because no one else can heal you, except for you.

Videos
How to Cope With Grief
Michele Rosenthal, host of YOUR LIFE AFTER TRAUMA
Excerpt from her website: My mission now is to help others learn about PTSD and get on the road to healing. If I’d been aware, educated and encouraged to reconnect with my untraumatized self I would not have lost so much of my life to this wholly treatable and beatable condition. We each have healing potential; it’s my passion now to help survivors discover theirs.
What Is Gaslighting?
  • In brief, Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which false information is presented to the victim, with the intent of making them doubt their own memory and perception
The Rationalization Behind Cheating
  • The essential characteristic in an attempt to rationalize unfaithfulness is to create a framework in which the cheater was justified in his/her action by an imagined or non-addressed fault caused by the cheated.
Infidelity and the Wayward FOG
  • Has your Wayward Spouse begun describing a marriage unfamiliar to you and a history of which you don’t believe you were a part? Have you been told that the infidelity is your fault or that your spouse never loved you in the first place?
Betrayed Spouses Bill Of Rights
  • In a world where a marriage is as likely to end as not, we sometimes forget what a partnership is in the early days after discovery of infidelity. We lose ourselves in the desperation to hold onto your loved one. Remembering your rights will help you no matter which path your marriage takes.
What is a 180 and how does it work?
  • 180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. I would highly suggest that any new BS begin these behaviors as soon as possible.
The Trauma of Infidelity
  • Infidelity wounds are invisible to the eye, so those who have never experienced infidelity see the torment of the betrayed spouse as an overreaction. They have a hard time fathoming how the horror of powerlessness and helplessness can be felt in a situation that hasn't caused any physical damage, bloody bodies, or unimaginable horror.
Understanding The Road To Infidelity
  • The decision to have an affair usually isn't a one time decision. It's a series of small steps that you end up rationalizing and justifying. Rationalization can fool us, by making what we know or suspect is unethical or immoral seem perfectly ethical or moral. Like a train speeding downhill, without breaks, our rationalizations gain momentum, pushing us faster and further, and we are under the illusion that we can stop the runaway train any time we choose. We become oblivious to the consequence that may ensue.

Collection of Affair Recovery Articles From Peggy Vaughn
  • Peggy Vaughn has been described as the matriarch of affair recovery. Her mission: To help men and women dealing with the devastating impact of a spouses affair, because she was there herself.

Wayward Resources
Spouses Trying To Save Their Marriage.

If you want to save your marriage after infidelity, it is imperative you support your spouse through the devastating emotional trauma they have just been put through. Of course there are never any guarantees that your marriage can be saved. Blaming your spouse for your choice to have an affair is not only a form of abuse (blame shifting), it is the fastest way to ensure your spouse will want to end the marriage. Having the strength to own your actions, look at your own dysfunctional beliefs, and implement changes is the most courageous thing you can do.

Websites / Articles
Surviving Infidelity
  • All are welcome here, even the betraying partner, provided they are remorseful and committed to healing. Please use this site to network with others who are feeling a loss of hope and shattered dreams and trying to survive the most painful type of betrayal we all have unfortunately come to know.
Trust In Relationships
  • Trust is earned, as is credibility. It is not something freely given, no matter how much society tries to pretend that it is. Trust is earned by repeatedly telling verifiable truths. It is earned by not causing harm to another.
Unfaithful Spouses Don't Get It
  • Until the hurt spouse believes their unfaithful spouse “gets it,” they experience an internal pressure to keep talking about it until their mate understands. It just doesn’t feel safe if their mate doesn’t care enough to empathize with them and feel their pain.
Blaming Others To Hide Your Bad Behavior
  • Unfortunately, blame is like anger in that it dulls one sense of empathy. It allows a person to act in a hurtful way to another human being.
How Did I End Up In An Affair?
  • Whatever rationalization and justifications have been used up to this point, to make your behavior "okay", is no longer relevant. If you rationalized it by telling yourself, "no one is getting hurt" - that no longer holds true. If you told yourself, "You've got it under control," clearly you do not have anything under control. Whatever it is that you told yourself, all of that has been proven wrong at this point.






Betrayed Books

Download the free kindle app for your Android, tablet, iPad, iphone, Mac, Windows, BlackBerry or Windows Phone. Download titles and read instantly. Buy your book once, Read Everywhere: You don't need to own a Kindle device to enjoy Kindle books. Download the free Kindle apps to start reading Kindle books on all your devices.
Download the app, set up your amazon account, and buy books with one click.

Click on book image to go to Amazon


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The Gaslight Effect.
Gaslighting is an insidious form of emotional abuse and manipulation that is difficult to recognize and even harder to break free from. That’s because it plays into one of our worst fears—of being abandoned
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As The betrayed you constantly ask, "How could this happen?" This book may shed some light on "how" it happened. This is not an excuse. People can transcend these behaviors.

Mistakes Were Made, but not by me

A compelling look into how the brain is wired for self-justification. When we make mistakes, we must calm the cognitive dissonance that jars our feelings of self-worth. And so we create fictions that absolve us of responsibility, restoring our belief that we are smart, moral, and right
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The phrase "broken heart" belies the real trauma behind the all-too-common occurrence of infidelity. Psychologist Dennis Ortman likens the psychological aftermath of sexual betrayal to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in its origin and symptoms, including anxiety, irritability, rage, emotional numbing, and flashbacks. Using PTSD treatment as a model

Wayward Books

Download the free kindle app for your Android, tablet, iPad, iphone, Mac, Windows, BlackBerry or Windows Phone. Download titles and read instantly. Buy your book once, Read Everywhere: You don't need to own a Kindle device to enjoy Kindle books. Download the free Kindle apps to start reading Kindle books on all your devices
Download the app, set up your amazon account, and buy books with one click.

Click on book image to go to Amazon


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Mistakes Were Made, but not by me
A compelling look into how the brain is wired for self-justification. When we make mistakes, we must calm the cognitive dissonance that jars our feelings of self-worth. And so we create fictions that absolve us of responsibility, restoring our belief that we are smart, moral, and right
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Sometimes, upon discovery of an affair, the unfaithful person “wakes up” and wants to save his or her marriage. However, most betraying spouses are completely unprepared for the ensuing tumult, emotional roller-coaster, and trauma reactions by the injured partner. They often make terrible mistakes in their efforts to calm their spouses and stop the earthquake that has shaken their marriages to the core, inadvertently hastening the path to divorce
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Why Do I Do That?

A guided course in self-exploration, highlighting the universal role of defense mechanisms in warding off emotional pain. Psychological defense mechanisms are an inevitable and necessary part of the human experience; but when they become too pervasive or deeply entrenched, they may damage our personal relationships, restrict or distort our emotional lives and prevent us from behaving in ways that promote lasting self-esteem.


Audio Files
You can find a complete list of audio seminars on the Beyond Affairs Website